Being Social a Challenge?

Being social is slowly getting to be a chore for me. It is harder than I thought to have a balanced social life. And honestly, does it matter? For some, that is an easy answer. Friends are your life. Especially, if we ask a 15 year old girl.

When I became pregnant at 21, I decided to give it all up. I left my job and as lucky as I was to make that work, staying home and going to college online was isolating. However, it enabled me to stay at home and care for my first true love. I didn't have to go through what the other moms went through when it came to leaving my child each and every day so I could make ends meet. I was fortunate. Not rich in any way, but we made it work. We counted our pennies and lived frugally. That also meant no going out. We couldn't even afford it. Plus, who would babysit!? At the time, I didn't like to ask for help.  I stopped calling people as much, and those that really cared still stopped by and checked up on me. But as fortunate as I was to have those few good friends that still stopped by. I also learned, in the most recent years that taking time outs from our kids and being social is important to keeping an own identity.

Being social to everyone is different. To some it means going to crowded venues. To others, it could be getting together with a few good friends out and about. Either way, keeping those connections and/or creating new ones is important to growing.

Ironically, I use to be a social butterfly. As the years progressed and my hormones outraged, I lost more and more due to drama and adolescent crap. That was and is ok. I have not had a "group" of friends since I was high school. And that is okay for me. I'm sure it is like that for most adults. However, my husband and I are starting to find it harder to socialize. We are fortunate for the friends we do have and wouldn't trade them for the world.

Any of you moms going through the same thing?

I think we all go through it at some point in time. Maybe even numerous times, and this phase is part of the journey of finding our identity. Who am I? Is this the core of it all, wondering who we are individually? Are we all trying to feel different and special. I believe we all are, and we all are a little lost. At the very least, that is what I'm convincing myself of right now and I am finding peace in writing this. Thank you for reading.

Our past and our present

"The ways in which our past influences our present are indelible, yet paradoxically obstructed from plain view. That is why it takes someone so close for us to mirror our wounds from our past, which is the reason why our children are able to set us free. Unfortunately, we parents don't allow them to fulfill their spiritual purpose in life. Instead, we seek to make them fulfill our egoic plans and fantasies." (pg.19, Tsabary)

Cited from Sophie's book club reading for August.

My Emotional Rollercoaster

So it began, the start of kindergarten. Although, I felt ready, nothing prepared me for the separation anxiety I would experience. This time had been coming and we knew this. And we were going to conquer it! School clothes shopping was done and he had been driving me nuts all summer. I knew he was ready for this change and I knew I needed a brake. Just like that, the first day of school came and went. He let go of my hand and slowly made his way out onto the playground. It was hard to watch him struggle. Although, I realize it is not struggling when he is growing into his own individual. I can't do everything for him and I will not always be there to make things easier. He will learn on his own. I have to show his that I am confident he can do so. And I am confident in him. But he is just my little baby. And it is so hard to look at him as anything else.

So what am I doing for myself besides worrying about him? Well, I am trying to live again and I am trying to change my habit of worrying that I have developed in the last five years of becoming a mother. I am at am in-between stage. I still have a young toddler at home. So I cannot go out into the world just yet. I do have the luxury of giving the first sole attention now. But I know she needs a healthy mom. One that has a life of her own. Her own interests, goals, and dreams. I find it nice to go to school now and participate in that environment. The moms/dads are nice at my son's school and it is nice to have those casual parenting conversations everyday. There use to be days where I didn't get to talk to an adult. The stay at home mom life can be isolating and even when I was taking classes at the university, I would take online classes so I could stay at home with my first born.

With that said, I also have been conquering some other issues along with my anxiety that I'd like to work on now. Along with worrying about my kids, I have been worrying about what others think.

My question is why do I care what everyone else thinks? To some extent it is healthy to maintain your appearances and of course, be respectful to others, but with my son being in school. Why do I all of the sudden feel like I am in school. That has to stop! And I realize that is all me and my insecurities. I have a long road ahead of me with Sophia only being 1. I will be doing this school stuff for the next 17 years. The reality is that I cannot get consumed in it too much, that is their world. I am just their to be their support, soft spot to land, and #1 fan. It is just such a new experience. It has been so neat to watch my son grow outside his comfort zone and show me what a capable little man he is becoming. I was so worried just as I am sure moms all over America are about their little ones, but the truth is, with love and support they will do just fine.

Life is a journey, each step we encounter new ways of living hopefully a fuller life. My goal is to work on my anxiety so I can really enjoy everyday and be a happier person. What are some of your goals?